T: Amazing Husband ST: Three-year-old Wonder Prof. G: Advisor I Prof. C: Advisor II Julie: Stylish Sister Rob: Awesome Brother Belle: Our Cat Bill: Grumbling BIL Rita: Uncomplicated SIL SMU: Smallish Midwestern University Doctoral University: where I got my Ph.D.
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Quote of the Day
Sunday, October 01, 2006
I don't love my job, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I don't hate my job, either. For now, it's just a job that I do to get through to the next weekend.
It's not that I think I took the wrong job; indeed, SMU is even better than I thought it would be. I have tons of freedom to do what I want, after this semester I am in almost full control over what and when I teach, the financial support for research is far greater than one would imagine for a school this size, and the support for academic travel is astounding. Add that to the fact that my colleagues are all fantastic and supportive, my students are (mostly) pretty great, and I get to talk about my favorite subjects all day long. Overall, SMU is a pretty nice place to have landed, and we really are enjoying New Town and Pond House. T even seems more positive about his job, and hopefully ST will have a good transition to his new preschool tomorrow.
But I really don't love what I do. Not at all. I realized this when my sister Julie called on Thursday morning and asked, "So, are you just loving being a professor? This is what you've always wanted!"
I had to think for a second. No, I don't love it. I like it, sure. It's OK. But I really don't like staying up until 1:00am or 2:00am every night before classes, writing lectures and preparing PowerPoint slides, posting lecture notes and figuring out how to incorporate other texts. I really don't like lecturing to my Zombie Morning class (see previous post), stewing in my office for an hour, and then finishing my lecturing tasks for the day with my other (although fantastic) classes. I don't like that the way I organized the first part of my Intro to Subfield course no longer makes sense to me, and I don't like that I can't change it until next semester. I don't like thinking about how much research I'm not doing (and don't really want to do at this point) because I'm spending a crazy amount of time on teaching tasks (which I swore I would not do). I don't like that I have a conference proposal due tomorrow that I haven't started and that I will write completely on the fly, praying for acceptance, despite the fact that I don't even really want to go to the stupid conference (I HATE my discipline's conferences. HATE them). I don't like that I'm never EVER ahead in my course preparations, always jotting myself notes at the last minute. And I sure don't like attending "important" departmental or college meetings when I have little opportunity to influence things at this point, although I know I need to attend the meetings to learn.
Overall, I think I just don't like being new and inexperienced.
I told Julie that no, I don't love being a professor, but that someday I probably will. Someday when I have a reservoir of lectures to draw upon, experience with textbooks, knowledge of procedures, and time to work on things other than my classes. I hope that "someday" comes sooner rather than later. It's only Sunday night and I am already clinging to the promise of Friday.